Sex Lives of Wives

Marriage Therapy that Works!

I have interviewed hundreds and surveyed thousands about a large variety of marital issues, most significantly about passion and how to keep a marriage thriving. I have found that the success of conventional marriage therapy in improving relations is slim because of the limited quantity of good quality counselors. Too often the sessions turn into a time to further air complaints and rehash arguments, instead of a positive environment in which to move forward with productive goals. So obviously if traditional marriage therapy is on your agenda, please take an extensive amount of time seeking out a highly recommended therapist – one with an established track record in improving marital relations.

With that said, I have a few nontraditional suggestions for martial therapy that has been found time and time again to be highly effective. These ideas are not likely to have much of an effect on a relationship that has serious commitment problems – where there is not attachment by both partners and a desire to work on it. These therapeutic ideas when approached with reflection and commitment will have a large positive impact….

1.  Find a way to take a vacation ALONE together. When there is a will – there IS a way. There are too many excuses about not being able to leave the children or not having the money. My response is to say your marriage and your health and your ability to be the best parents you can be – depends on it! The marriage is the support for the whole family. The relationship must be feed as often as we feed the kids – several times a day. Too often children and careers suck it all out of us and the marriage is placed last on the list of priorities. STOP this before real damage takes place. For one week, make the marriage and your spouse the priority – go away alone together and date each other again.

2. Explore the variety of quality marriage enrichment weekends available at locations across the country. My favorite is the International Marriage Enrichment Celebration that occurs only about every three years. This summer the Celebration occurs in Orlando, Florida from July 12 to the 15th – so take the kids – daycare is provided! This “Happily Ever After” Conference is for new and old couples and hosts some of the best speakers in the business to jump start your marriage and your passion revival efforts. Visit the Better Marriages website for more information.

3. There are of course a large number of simple every day things you can to that are proven to be a therapeutic success for most marriages. The obvious and most successful in building intimacy is to have regular and creative sexual encounters with your spouse. In other words, DO IT MORE and get out of the routine with some creative explorations! Alter the location, the position, the props, the visuals and tell each other stories and play make believe – create fantasy land in your own bedroom. The effects behind the bedroom door will make a huge impact on the mood, attitude, and atmosphere outside the bedroom. If you do not believe me – try it for one month – go overboard with the romantic efforts in the bedroom and at the end of that month you will see the positive impact it has on the relationship as a whole!

Married Sex in the United Kingdom, Orlando, and Las Vegas

The United Kingdom, Orlando, and Las Vegas… What do these places all have in common? Well the answer is improving the Sex Lives of Wives and husbands. Here is the news…

First regarding the UK, as requested, Sex Lives of Wives has been revised and updated for the British market. Random House UK’s Vermilion imprint is publishing my book on 5 April 2007! The focus is the titillating stories with the answer to the question of just what are women doing to keep the passion alive in their marriages. To order this fantastic new version in trade paperback go to Amazon UK -- or for the US version, please visit Amazon.com.

Second, regarding Orlando, Florida, I have great news to all those interested in marriage enrichment -- whether you are a newlywed or a long time veteran of the institution. I will be the Keynote Speaker, sharing the stage with my friend Dr. Scott Haltzman (Secrets of Happily Married Men ), at the INERNATIONAL MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT CELEBRATION this July 12 to the 15, 2007, for information visit BetterMarriages.com . The Keynote is entitled “The Secrets of Passion in Marriage: The Male / Female Perspective.” I will also be conducting a workshop on Saturday, July 14, at 8:30 to 10:00 a.m., entitled “Making Passion a Priority” which the convention describes this way: “With heartfelt laughs and inspiring tips, author Holly Hollenbeck’s motivational presentation draws on 10 years of research with everyday couples to offer insight and practical advice on the healthy benefits of making passion a priority to ensure continuing intimacy, joy and playful fun in our marriages.” We will have some fun. I hope you can join us. Visit the Better Marriages website to sign up – they even provide childcare – yea!

Finally, regarding Las Vegas, many of you have emailed me asking about what happened on my trip to Vegas and what fun we uncovered and can recommend. Well, as they say, “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” However, I will say this – I highly recommend dinner and partying at Tao at the Venetian, the huge lunch buffet at the Bellagio, and Prince on stage live at 3121 at the Rio. Anything else you want to know, please feel free to email me personally and maybe I will have a recommendation for you -- holly@passionseekers.com.

Now go have crazy sex with your mate!

Marriage: The Greatest of All Amusement Park Rides

Marriage is like an amusement park thrill ride which sometimes can make you throw up, sometimes is a thrill a minute, and sometimes is relaxing, comfortable, and enjoyable. If we can manage through the nauseating plummets and stay connected through the slow boring ride up the hills, then we will again reach the exciting and fun stretch of the ride and also fully enjoy the peaceful and relaxing segments as well. Too many people chicken out on continuing the ride because of fear or boredom or disbelieve that it can be fixed when it breaks down. The ride though is what we make of it. We happily selected this ride. We can choose to dismiss the imperfections and instead focus on appreciating what all it has to offer. Remember the thrills when we first set off and the anticipation as we crested that first big hill…if we pay attention, we will ENJOY it again and again!

Reigniting Passion in Las Vegas

Hello fellow Passion Seekers! So sorry for the delay with my blog entries. I am afraid the holidays and the edits for the UK version of my book Sex Lives of Wives have consumed me lately. I also have to admit that I have been rather annoyed with my spouse recently and therefore have not felt much like writing about passion. My “passions” were unfortunately placed on the back burner and I am the one that has suffered most (though my husband would argue that point). How easily I forgot the benefit of sex and a sexy attitude as a tension reliever and intimacy builder – and at a busy time when such benefits would have been most helpful. Well as a true Passion Seeker, when things are at a low point there is only one thing to do – go away alone with him on a vacation – just the anticipation of being away from it all with him is stimulating. So we are heading to Las Vegas to see what sort of trouble we can find – or rather what sort of naughty behavior we can create together. Any Vegas-style suggestions? Romantic restaurants? Passion inducing Vegas nightclubs you love? Click on “comments” below and post or email me directly at holly@passionseekers.com. Thank you for sharing! I promise to let you know all about it when I return. And I resolve to blog regularly from now on - so click on the RSS feed of your choice in the left hand column and return to read the next post!

Last Minute Sexy Gifts to Give Your Mate…

Easy and Cheap! Freely give the gifts of affection and a cheerful disposition. These gifts do not cost a dime and show your mate that you (still) care. Any kindness and appreciation outside the bedroom can lead to a return of the same under the covers.

Passion Seeker Coupons: This is the gift that gives intimacy and love and you will share in the enjoyment when these coupons are cashed in! Give your mate a coupon for a massage from you or other specific intimate activities. Offer yourself as a bedroom slave for an hour. You get the idea. Be creative or use the pre-made coupons provided in the back of my book Sex Lives of Wives.

Terrific Touches: Use one of the great warming massage oils on the market like BeautiControl’s Therma Del Sol in lavender and trade massage services – just 10 minutes of touch is not only healthy and relaxing but the intimacy often leads to THE ultimate bonding gift to share with your mate.

“Oriental Spice Night” is the theme of this Bedroom Date Night – light a spice scented candle such as Glade’s Scented Oil Candles (Spiced Rose & Vanilla) or burn incense. Obtain/rent the movie The Lover to watch together while giving each other some “Terrific Touches” (discussed above).

Write Your Mate a Bedtime Story: Describe the first time you were together intimately or some other fantastic private event or fantasy romantic story and present it to your mate. Better yet – read it to your mate while cuddled under the covers.

Bring some romance to your holidays!

The following are some sexy holiday gift ideas to enhance your love life this season!

TASTE the delicious creations of master chocolatier Anthony Ferguson of Cacao Anasa and experience chocolate beyond your wildest expectations.  The Cacao Romantico collection features 16 of the chocolatier's most romantic truffles and confections, finished with a gold sheet and a selection of poetry from the likes of Langston Hughes, Victor Hugo, or Thoreau. 

INDULGE your fantasies with an erotic story from Custom Erotica Source, the online resource for tailor-made erotic fiction.  Get a Quickie story designed to give life to your or your lover's unique erotic fantasies.  Gift certificate can be redeemed for a Quickie or applied toward the purchase of a longer story. 

LEARN the secrets of keeping passion alive in your relationship with the valuable tips in Holly Hollenbeck's book, Sex Lives of Wives.  Read what Holly and the women at Passion Seekers have to say about fueling intimate fires. 

CELEBRATE the sensual delights of the body with an assortment of natural, primarily organic goodies from Babeland. This massage kit contains body oil, an aromatic candle, bath fizzy, vibrator/flashlight, and two condoms to set the stage for many nights of sexy exploration. 

LISTEN to naughty storytelling to put you and your lover in the mood! Sounds Erotic offers three audio CDs to satisfy your different moods: Sugar, Spice, and Spank! 

HURRY to have your gift in time! Check out these great gift ideas by clicking on the links (above)!

Happy Holidays!

from Holly Hollenbeck

Are you tempted to cheat on your mate?

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal (Personal Journal – Work & Family, “‘Honey, I’m Thinking of Having an Affair’: Therapists Advise Confessing Temptation,” by Sue Shellenbarger, Oct. 26, 2006) advocates that the current prevailing wisdom of couples and sex therapists is to admit to one’s spouse that they are contemplating having an affair. Supposedly the admission prior to the act will often quash the urge before it is carried out and ultimately bring the couple closer. Also advised in the article is to admit an affair within 24 hours of its occurrence. This advice will be surprising to the many that have written to me about the troubles in their marriages that resulted from just such admissions. Mistrust, pain, anger, hurt, insecurity, and filing for divorce – these are the common responses from spouses that have been told (by their mate) they were cheated on or even just told that their mate is considering cheating. So what is the reason for the difference in the real life results and what the experts suggest will happen if one is open and honest about their affair or contemplation of an affair? Do you think this “new” advice to quickly confess temptation (or after an actual affair) has merit? Will the couple ever be the same again after such admissions? What do you think? What is your experience? Please click on “Comment” below or for confidential comments, as always, you may safely email me directly at holly@passionseekers.com. For some further insight into this topic, check out Jessie and Carla’s stories in Sex Lives of Wives.

Improving Passion with Products?

A new over-the-counter drug from the UK called “Scentuelle” is making headlines (check out www.cbs11tv.com 11-06-06). This patch is to be worn on the wrist and gives off a scent that mimics the chemical in the brain (dopamine) which is supposed to trigger sexual energy and make you feel good. Sounds a little too good to be true! If you or anyone you know has tried Scentuelle, please email me and tell me what you think (either click on “Comment” below or email me directly at holly@passionseekers.com .

I for one am very skeptical. People are always looking externally for a quick fix when so often the “fix” needs to be within them. Remember the stories of Jessie and Carla in my book Sex Lives of Wives – they discovered that much of the malaise in their sex life with their mate was in fact due to their own attitude. Sometimes a deep look within to rediscover the passion is necessary, but often all that is needed are simple get-your-mind-in-the-game techniques that can quickly rev up your sexual appetite (like the ones I often recommend). Attitude is key. To improve and adjust our attitude, we must first remember the benefits – not for our mate – but the benefits to our own psyche when we seek to meet our innate sexual needs. Our confidence is boosted, stress is relieved, intimacy in our relationship increases, and it feels GREAT.

Passion Pointers - 5 Quick Tips to Use Today!

Make passion a priority again and you will reap the healthy benefits of a fun, intimate, and sexy relationship! Here are five quick tips to try today:

1. Be playful with your mate all day long. Sexual overtures aside – this means have some fun – play, tease, wrestle – lighten it up again!

2. Tell your mate a bedtime story. Seriously! Tuck him (or her) in tight – tightly next to you that is and tell him a story about the first time you made love together, or a fantasy encounter, or whatever mood-creating-get-your-mind-in-the-game story you can think of and soon you will not just be telling him but acting it out as well!

3. When was the last time you flirted with your mate? Light-hearted flirtatious banter can brighten the day, raise self-esteem and strengthen the marriage bonds. But remember it is not just what you say but how you say it – upbeat tone, positive body language, and full of merry expression.

4. Plan a Bedroom Date Night – Do not spend the money and time going out. Instead create a themed date in your bedroom, e.g. a tropical night with coconut massage oil, Caribbean mood music, etc. - and then SEDUCE him/her.

5. Try a new risky adventure together – sign up for or plan some type of risky or seemingly risky activity that you can learn and do together – something that takes you out of your comfort zone, e.g. scuba diving, hang gliding, salsa dancing. The adrenaline rush will produce a natural high that can quickly ignite the passion flame.

Have you had success with any of the above? Do you have a funny or inspiring story as a result of your passion enhancing efforts? Then please share for the benefit of others by posting your comment below or as many prefer, email me directly (and confidentially) at holly@passionseekers.com.

A man’s ultimate embarrassment…

I am told that an ultimate embarrassment for any man is to run into a wall with an erection and only break his nose. I am sure that most guys could think of several other such embarrassing scenarios. This brings up the age old question of whether size matters. I personally do not spend any time pondering this subject. All the women I have asked say the same thing. Sure to be well endowed is nice but that is certainly not at the top of the list as to what makes a sexual encounter great. Many of us (woman that is) can recall fantastic sexual moments in our past where that particular piece of male anatomy did not even factor into it.

However the men do seem to place a great deal of merit on the subject in general. As I said in Sex Lives of Wives: “We may never fully understand the depth of importance men place on their penis, but the mere fact that they often speak of it, have an endless number of slang terms for it, and even actually name it should give us a clue. What would it be like if our sex organs were on the outside of our body? What would it be like if we could actually stimulate every inch of them and could actually feel with our hand and see the pulsating explosion of an orgasm? If we could do all this to the extent of our male counterparts, we just might begin to understand it.” So maybe if we do put a little thought into it, we just might feel inspired to not only re-examine his anatomy but discover some new ways to appreciate it as well. … The return on our efforts just might be astonishingly satisfactory.