Are you tempted to cheat on your mate?

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal (Personal Journal – Work & Family, “‘Honey, I’m Thinking of Having an Affair’: Therapists Advise Confessing Temptation,” by Sue Shellenbarger, Oct. 26, 2006) advocates that the current prevailing wisdom of couples and sex therapists is to admit to one’s spouse that they are contemplating having an affair. Supposedly the admission prior to the act will often quash the urge before it is carried out and ultimately bring the couple closer. Also advised in the article is to admit an affair within 24 hours of its occurrence. This advice will be surprising to the many that have written to me about the troubles in their marriages that resulted from just such admissions. Mistrust, pain, anger, hurt, insecurity, and filing for divorce – these are the common responses from spouses that have been told (by their mate) they were cheated on or even just told that their mate is considering cheating. So what is the reason for the difference in the real life results and what the experts suggest will happen if one is open and honest about their affair or contemplation of an affair? Do you think this “new” advice to quickly confess temptation (or after an actual affair) has merit? Will the couple ever be the same again after such admissions? What do you think? What is your experience? Please click on “Comment” below or for confidential comments, as always, you may safely email me directly at holly@passionseekers.com. For some further insight into this topic, check out Jessie and Carla’s stories in Sex Lives of Wives.

Comments

[Timothy]

I am a Christian minister. I came across your new book and found it a fascinating and much needed book. I counsel couples from time to time, and I believe that an exciting and mutually fulfilling sex life is vital to a good marriage. I believe that we need to know more about the ways different couples are trying to enhance their sexual lives. Concerning the question about "telling your spouse that you are thinking of having an affair." I believe it depends on the maturity of your relationship. For some husbands or wives this would undermine their trust for one another and would create an atmosphere of suspicion. For others it might help them chanel the erotic feelings they feel for this other person back into their marriage relationship. Ideally couples should cultivate a relationship of candid sharing about their sexuality. Sharing with our spouse about what attracts us to other people can create greater intimacy and defuse the "secrecy" of the potential affair.

[Elizabeth]

Might a couple where one or both partners have outside attractions be encouraged to explore polyamory? This doesn't have to weaken their marriage, but might actually strengthen it by helping them find additional fulfillment and by relieving pressure on each of them to be "everything" to the other.

[tom paine]

Found your blog by accident and notice that your approach is entirely conventional, as if other alternative ways of dealing with this issue didn't exist. Don't you think that leaves your readers with the thinking that it's cheating or strict monogamy?